Manifesting

I’ve been reflecting on how the universe guides us right to where we need to be. How what we send out manifests our futures. So what does manifestation look like to someone who struggles with mental health struggles? Does all of my daily anxiety and depression manifest my future-if so I’m in trouble. Or do those moments of clarity and centered mindfulness manifest…

Tonight I am trying to find my center and bring my mind back from a rather bleak space. I’m sending out a prayer, a song made of a thousand hallelujahs, a sigh full of relief and release. I’m calling for the universe to bring me where I need to be and allow me the strength to know what voices to listen to inside my head. To allow for good people to join me in my path and for a safe space for me to be my entire self.

Bring on the good ju ju 🖤🖤🖤

These Arms of Mine

Otis Redding: These Arms of Mine, 1962

Today, like many days, is quite rainy here in North Bay. My weekends are quite like a ritual at this point, I awake at the crack of dawn to drive an hour to work a brunch shift that leaves me feeling perpetually exhausted, emotionally insignificant, and well depressed. The service industry has a way of doing that to people. I understand that we live in this service oriented culture~we spend our time buying things we don’t necessarily need, eating food other people grow and prepare, and well we spend our days working to afford these services, “these conveniences.” Yet, what is convenient about working to spend money on things we could all localize within our system and do ourselves. I suppose that’s what we must consider looking forward into the future of climate change. Don’t get me wrong, I am completely grateful for the time and space made for me at my job. It’s just not a sustainable way of life for anyone. We are feeding a system that does not give a shit about us. We are complacent with a system that destroys us.

What a dilemma.

Today, I had a realization about men as well. Due to the wool being pulled over my eyes and a boy (I would not use the word man for this individual) who would probably be referred to as a good guy, ya know the type. The ones that are in fact not that kind, but use intoxicating words and stories to lure you into this web of trust. There is something beautiful in radical honesty, the act of being vulnerable within weakness, within fuck ups, within an all encompassing you. That is what needs to catch fire in dating society. And perhaps polyamory ;) since most harm seems to dwell in the fact we expect all of our intimacy and love to dwell in a single individual. Just a thought.

ANYWAY. I am going to go work on my quilt & plan my flower farm.

Touching the Extremes

I have failed at sticking to my goal of posting daily; however, I will get back on track starting NOW!

I have been struggling pretty hard lately with depression and am climbing out of what seems to be a pretty deep depression hole. Yet, with the help of friends and looking towards new and old goals with fresh insight is allowing me to take hold of my present moment more and more. I sometimes struggle with living in the future possibility rather than the present moment. I think dwelling on what could be is a distraction from dealing with the ongoing struggles I face living with mental health issues and just the ebb and flow of life. Not that I think living with bipolar disorder is completely a curse, unlike most I have a unique opportunity of touching the extremes of existence without any drug. I scrape the depths of despair and the bleak nothingness that is nonexistence while also swinging towards euphoric highs that blissfully entangle me with the heavens. Much like nature, I am polar. I am complex. I see the corners of existence and no matter how hard I try I can never brush anything under the rug. I am perfectly me as I traverse the ebb and flow of life.

With that being said, I hope to take this little corner of the inter webs I have woven for myself and continue to create community, share my journey and make space for others to do so as well, and ultimately kick ass while saving our planet from climate catastrophe. Anyone else in?

I am in total formulation mode with what all of that looks like as a business but am hoping to join my love of farming, food justice, community, inclusivity, and education into a powerful transforming model of business that represents the future of our planet rather than what has been.

The Farm Sexual

I suppose it’s time to dive into the juicy shit. Figuratively. I would like to introduce the term farm sexual and farmcore for general public use. Yes, I identify as a farm sexual (folks who wear carhartt black/tan overalls, boots only acceptable at punk shows, and who generally look like your neighborhood barista but work in the sun all day). One mustn't be too picky while looking for love. There isn’t anything more attractive than a punk kid cultivating fields, tbh. Unfortunately, I have yet to find one that isn’t snatched.

I’ve been living with pretty bad seasonal depression…..cough, cough…..chronic depression/bipolar disorder……I mean seasonal depression recently. The rain in North Cali is nice, it beats down on my tin roof and is really quite magical; however, being trapped inside most of the time is difficult for Blue and I.

Anyway, to help sooth the mind fuck that is being cooped up all day my go-tos are lavender essential oil, chamomile rose tea, ashwagandha, and I like burning thyme and rosemary sprigs.

I am also quite excited to be starting an all women’s book club with friends. Our first book is Emergent Strategy by Adrienne Brown. I highly recommend for all farmers, women, men, and educators to take a look at this gem. She is super inspirational while urging us to be resilient in the face of a changing climate. Even in the wake of complete chaos and turmoil.